Stephen Clark
February 19, 2012
PAS 113B
Challenge My World
It was a gloomy, Saturday evening when my dad walked in the living room with the stench of Budweiser and throw up. I hated seeing him in this condition but, it was nothing new from the previous Saturday’s. I was surprised he even made it home without bumping into a few cops along the way. As he walked in, he threw his coat on the arm of the chair and his hat on the seat. He stared me down in my eyes as he walked past my door. I didn’t admire the feeling he gave off because I knew for a fact that I was not loved by him and I guess I was OK with that. I just find it funny how some lonely man can bring his only son with cancer into the world and not care for him deeply. When my dad sat down in front of the television, in his favorite chair, he dropped his can of beer and quickly fell asleep. I felt relieved that nothing dramatic happened like the last drunk experience.
The next day, I woke up to my mom crying in the living room. Weeping and sobbing over some pathetic loser who left her for some chick he met on his job route in Orange County. How sad. I was only 6 years old when he left me and my mom. It was fun just living with my mom and not worrying about violence or drugs. My mom and I built a relationship that could never be broken by the strongest man in the world. Unfortunately, that relationship came to a halt when I turned 16 and ended up getting my girlfriend, Destiny, pregnant. My mom was devastated when she heard the news and me breaking her heart is something that stayed on my mind ever since. The day Kaycee Jet was born; my mother was nowhere to be found. She never showed up to the hospital, she never showed up home, I just haven’t seen her the entire day. I knew how she was feeling but, it doesn’t give a reason to miss your first grandchild, especially when you have nothing to do. I have then realized that I lost my mom’s trust and I no longer have her guidance. A few weeks after Kaycee arrive home, my mother walks through the door with tears and a look on her face that clearly reads disgust. My mom walked straight passed us and into her room. She slammed the door with anger and indescribable force.
I knew from right then and there, I would have to give everything in my power to get my family back to our good graces. My girlfriend had to drop out of school to take care of the baby and the house so I decided to go back to school and carry on with my education. Two years later, I graduated from Community Harvest Charter School and received an acceptance letter from Cal State Northridge. I was an official first time freshman at a real university. It seems like that was the ticket to happiness. My mom started to talk to me but she still had little trust in me but honestly, I was more concerned with the life of my girl and daughter. The only thoughts that came to mind were I’m one step closer to a wonderful life and beating my cancer. I was once afraid of telling my friends and such about my cancer but my girlfriend made me feel comfortable about who I am and what I am here for. So I thank her each day she wakes up. Now when I see my first born child, I look deeply into her eyes to send my energy of love because I don’t want my daughter to be effected with what I have. The best thing I want for my child is a healthy life.
With college now in my every day plans, I have little time to spend with my two girls. Although I hate not seeing them, I still do my best to stay focused and on track. One day before Kaycee got her shots, my mother finally talked to me. Not really talked but, she asked me a question. She asked if I was happy. I don’t know if she was trying to make me think see how confident I am with my mistakes. I didn’t even respond to the question, I went right in on the topic of her and her anti love campaign lately. Soon after I finished we were already at my school and I was ready to get out but I never moved. She looked at me, then looked ahead, and never acknowledged my existence. I said, “Bye mom, I love you” but I got nothing in return. I stepped out the car with a tear in my right eye and didn’t shed any more than that. I think that was the last of the tears and pain. I have completely lost my best friend, my love, my mom. On September 13th, I lost my mind. Destiny got into a car accident with Kaycee in the car. My girls were OK but, the car was totaled. That was our only transportation. It didn’t stop me from going to school. I started to catch the bus. I hated it. It made me tired and I started to slack off in school. I knew Destiny would be upset but, everyone isn’t perfect. I was trying my best.
When I got home she started a bath for Kaycee and was ready for our round one argument. She loved me enough to keep me on track in school, knowing she could be doing the same. That discussion went on for hours. I became angry and selfish, so I left the room and went outside to think to myself. Destiny later came outside to console me and apologize. She was just being an awesome girlfriend. As we were getting up, we hear a loud scream from my mom and we sprinted in to the house. When we found my mother, she had her mouth covered and shock in her eyes. I walked into the bathroom and water was everywhere. Kaycee drowned. She died that night. This made me crazy and it built my strength. I had to do better. All I could think of was how I was the one with cancer and how come I couldn’t be taken away. But everything has its own purpose. So we lived.
Very sad story that many of us can relate to. On the otherhand, there were a few mistakes with punctuation and grammar. There were commas misplaced and be careful with slang. Your write how you speak. Remember not to begin your sentences with "BUT". There were both run-on sentences and incomplete sentence. Watch for extra hanging words that dont need to be added. Overall, you started your story off strong. Well done!
ReplyDeleteStephen portrayed a character that was very strong emotionally. He encountered many trials in his life but he got through them by believing that everything had its own purpose. The story would reach out to troubled teenagers, children growing up in broken homes and people wanting to give up on life. The story opens the readers’ eyes by showing them how hard life can get and how an individual can surpass such hardships.
ReplyDeleteHe used short, concise sentences. Direct to the point. He used analogies and used it to compare how his battling of cancer did not take him away but took his daughter away.
this story was a really good one. this story is something that certain people can actully realate to because it is something that im pretty sure colleges students can go through. it was a pretty touching story.it was a well written essay, i didnt really catch any mistakes, just that in some parts of the essay during the beggining of the essay was to straight to the point i thought that it could have been more specific. a sad story but a good one.
ReplyDeleteThe structure of your story was well organized. You were very detailed with some of the scenes. I was able to picture exactly what was going on, like when he shed a tear through his right eye. I feel though that you should have elaborated more on your story. We know that the main character has cancer, but you don’t really mention his struggles with cancer and how he’s fighting it a long with dealing with family. Some of the events that are turning points in the story are just mentioned and not really emphasized. I was confused on some parts like when you said they got into an argument and then Destiny went to go comfort her boyfriend because she is awesome. That didn’t really make sense, I don’t know if she was awesome because of the argument or because she was comforting him. Your cliffhanger should have been something else, you didn’t really have one. You just said Kaycee drowned and we lived, that was a very depressing ending. It should have been more interesting.
ReplyDeleteSteven’s story is very interesting. It catches the attention of the reader right away. The story is clear, but it could use a bit more description of how the events happen instead of just letting the reader know what happens. Also, maybe adding more to the story to create some suspense with in the story itself. There are a couple grammar errors but not many. Overall the story keeps you reading until the end and it finish with an ending that was building up to happen and makes you wonder what was going to happen next and what would have been the outcome of the situation.
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